me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
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I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon