Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
You Might Also Like
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
My blood type is coffee.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Worst bar ever.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.