last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
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me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Quadruple digit IQ
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.