My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
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Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”