I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
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Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.