I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
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cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble