I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
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In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I think about this a lot
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.