Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
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I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.