What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
You Might Also Like
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Mornin
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry