My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
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TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.