Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
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Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.