My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
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Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I bet birds love this building.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please