judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
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I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day