The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
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My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.