People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
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*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”