murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
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Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
*seductively eats two tums*
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
What a year we’ve had this week.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something