kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
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It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Just how popey was the pope today?
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.