Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
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The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
🤣🤣
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
One of the best
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”