me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
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Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
What?!?
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.