Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
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“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.