Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
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Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.