I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
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I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.