Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
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okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
#parenting
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.