Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
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If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
you gotta be faster
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*