I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
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Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
early stone age tool
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.