I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
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“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Stick it to the man
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Damn he played himself
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this