Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
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There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
oh my god
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*