If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
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Fight fire with water. Idiots.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Jail
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I laughed at this way too hard.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school