Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
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I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.