Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
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My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Wikigenius
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.