We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
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The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.