The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
You Might Also Like
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.