[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
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Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?