Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
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The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Mad Max: Furry Road
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Natural selection at its finest
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I’m too immature for adultery.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.