Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
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I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
New menu item
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
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There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.