I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
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“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?