o shit
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*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.