LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
You Might Also Like
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go