I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
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*pronounces fake like saké*
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me