Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
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When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
✌️
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
what
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh