That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
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As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
So that’s what we looked like?
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now