I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
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Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
At least try to make it slightly believable
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
don’t we all
💁🏻♂️