me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
You Might Also Like
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??