Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
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I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill