Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
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kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
that’s really how it is
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…