My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
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10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.