Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
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GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.