My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
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“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.