“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
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When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I feel seen
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*