It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
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LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Duck typos.